I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
