The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
