my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
