Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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