16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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