so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
