I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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