I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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