Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize