but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
