I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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