end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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