our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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