I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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