The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
