I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
