She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
