I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
