One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
When are your genitals available?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
