Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
