When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
