he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
