he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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