I met the friendliest cop last night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
