I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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