I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
vagina is talking i cant
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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