I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he told me I talked like a deaf person
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
