She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
