ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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