There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Enjoy the penises
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
