My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
