I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
