I feel like I'm in dance class right now
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize