he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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