Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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