I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
