I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
