ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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