i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
