I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
