i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
