I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
