I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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