Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
