i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
pray to the hookup gods
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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