you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize