You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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