I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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