New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
