He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
