Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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