Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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