Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
