guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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