my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
