I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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