Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
