Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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