I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Someone shattered a urinal.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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