Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize