We're facebook friends in real life
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
