brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
