Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
